Cast:-  WAYNE.    Everybody loves Wayne, including Wayne.

           STE           Would love to be Wayne

          CLIVE        Nobody loves Clive, according to Wayne      

          

Setting: Waiting room of waxing parlour. Wayne, in a dressing gown, in the company of his mates, Ste and Clive.

 

STE                      Smells like a dentist shop in here.

CLIVE                  Do you mind.  

STE                      Give us a smile, Clive.

CLIVE                  Sod off, you.  

STE                      Your teeth favour a box of crayons   

CLIVE                  Very funny.  

WAYNE                Shut up the pair of you.

CLIVE                  He started it, Wayne.

WAYNE               I’ll start in a minute…shut up.

CLIVE                 You always side with him.

WAYNE               It’s not a question of sides, it’s a question of face. 

STE                     What’s this you’re having done again, Wayne?

WAYNE              There’s a big sign outside, Ste. 

STE                     Yea, but waxing covers a lot of skin...

CLIVE                  …and body hair. Does it hurt?

STE                     It all depends, Clive…

WAYNE              What do you know about waxing?

STE                     It’s all on You Tube, Wayne. This caveman goes through these doors and comes out like Kate Moss…

CLIVE                  …more like Geronimo. Some women like their men hairy...

STE                      …says Clive, the big expert on women.

CLIVE                  I was on this website and this lovely lady was talking about her experiences.   

STE                      That’s the closest he’ll get to a lovely lady, eh, Wayne? So, you’re in for a chest job then?

WAYNE               If you must know, I’m in for a BSC

STE                     You mean a GCSE don’t you?

CLIVE                  I got a U in art…

STE                      ‘Cos you paint a sorry picture, Clive.

WAYNE               A BSC’s got nothing to do with education.

STE                      What then?

WAYNE               It’s a rite of passage into the world of sophisticated man.

STE                      What?    

WAYNE               BSC…‘Back, Sack and’…crikey, is that the time? At these prices I should be on my way out.

CLIVE                  Happen they’re still melting the candles.

STE                      I’m still in the dark.  What does your bird think of all this waxing?               

WAYNE              Sandra? She says it’ll be worth the sacrifice.

STE                      It must be love.

WAYNE              It was all my idea.   

CLIVE                  Hey, Wayne, remember Tess?

STE                      She wasn’t in your league, was she Wayne?

WAYNE              She’d no style, Ste.

CLIVE                  She’d a nice bum.

WAYNE              Her hair was a mess and she was always in jeans.

CLIVE                  She was a vision of loveliness.

WAYNE              A what?

STE                      Clive’s no chance, has he Wayne?

WAYNE              Don’t know how I do it. Good looks are everything, I suppose.

CLIVE                  No they’re not, Wayne. Falling in love is everything.

WAYNE              Get real, Clive. How’s your bird doing, Ste?

STE                      Ok but she talks too much.

WAYNE              What about…love?

STE                      Yea, and politics.

CLIVE                  She’s got my vote.

WAYNE              Come again, Clive?

CLIVE                  I’ve forgot my coat.

WAYNE              The thing is, Ste, a woman doesn’t know what she wants. That’s where you come in. She thinks she’s an intellectual but she’s not

.

                             Male assistant. Sorry about the wait.           

STE                      You getting nervous now, Wayne?

WAYNE              Clive would be nervous if this was a dentist, wouldn’t you Clive? All them needles and pliers.

STE                      He’d need a bird to hold his hand…oh, you don’t have a bird, do you Clive?

WAYNE              I think you hit a nerve there, Ste…Hey, Clive, how long have we been mates now?

CLIVE                  Since you got banned from driving.

WAYNE              I used to look out for you at school, remember?

CLIVE                  Correction, I used to be your lookout.

STE                      It’s a bit quiet in there. I bet they’re all sat round gassing.

CLIVE                  I bet they’re spying on us through that camera.

                             Wayne crosses his legs.

WAYNE              What camera? Don’t be daft.

CLIVE                  Excuse me gents while I moisten my moccasins.

                                      Wayne re-crosses his legs

WAYNE              You’re going nowhere.   

STE                      I’m going nowhere, Wayne.

WAYNE              You’re my wing man, right Ste?

STE                      You know it.

CLIVE                  Don’t we all.

                             Male assistant. The replacement therapist won’t be long.

WAYNE              Ok moron, share the joke.

CLIVE                  Sorry, Wayne. I’ve got this picture in my mind.

STE                      Him with the U in art.

WAYNE              Go on, Clive…this picture.

CLIVE                  Picture this, Wayne. Here’s you stretched out on this gurney in front of this replacement bird…

WAYNE              …bird? The bird’s a bloke. I spoke to him on the phone.

CLIVE                  Anyway, this replacement bird has you under her polished nails and there’s nothing you can do about it.  

STE                      Come off it, Clive. If you see a doctor about men things, you always see a bloke: Tell him, Wayne.

WAYNE              I’ve told him.

STE                      A bloke does a better job than a bird. Speaking of which; are you seeing Sandra tonight?

WAYNE              Down the pub then back at hers, if she’s lucky.     

 

STE                      Yea, if she’s lucky.

CLIVE                  Did that bloke on the phone say he was definitely doing you?

WAYNE              It’s a bloke; end of.

CLIVE                  But it could still be a bird.

                                     

WAYNE              I thought you were going for a waz?

CLIVE                  I waz, five minutes ago. 

WAYNE              Well waz off then, you perv.

Clive gets up quick and exits. Wayne draws Ste close.

WAYNE              Do you reckon that camera’s rolling?

STE                      I don’t know…why?

WAYNE              Go and see what they’re up to.

STE                      You saw the size of that assistant. He’d take me out with one look.

WAYNE              Do you reckon there’s a bird in there?

STE                      What’s this you’re having done again…a BSC?

                             Wayne whispers in Ste’s ear. Ste cringes.

 

STE                      And Sandra says ‘it’ll be worth the sacrifice?’ I wouldn’t wish that on Clive.

WAYNE              Sandra suggested it ‘cos she reckons it’s a breeze for a bloke.’

STE                      Just the thought puts the wind up me. Happen that Neanderthal did Sandra. 

WAYNE              Blokes for blokes: Birds for birds, you perv.

STE                      I thought Clive was the perv.  

WAYNE              If a bird looked at him twice at school, he’d go red as a radish: He still looks up to me, you know.

STE                      Yea, Clive looks up to me as well, don’t he Wayne?

WAYNE              I’m a fast learner, Ste. That’s what got me to where I’m going.

STE                      I’ll be like you one day, won’t I Wayne?

WAYNE              Hey, you know that bird Clive fancies?

STE                      Who, Tess with the nice bum?  Yea, you used to fancy her.   

WAYNE              She used to text me every five minutes. I reckon she’s a stalker.

STE                      A stalker? Did she follow you home?

WAYNE              No, I didn’t say that.

STE                      You like texting, don’t you, Wayne? You’re always texting.

WAYNE              Networking, Ste; networking.

STE                      Yea, networking. So, is Tess still networking you?

WAYNE              I told her a hundred times…

STE                      I bet she dreams about you every night. I bet she cries herself to sleep. I’ll bet…

WAYNE              …leave it out, Ste.

STE                      Did you put her straight, Wayne?

WAYNE              Course I put her straight.

STE                      My birds put me straight and I never see them again. What’s your secret?

WAYNE              You dump them hard, Ste. That’s how you get respect.

STE                      Did she cry, Wayne?

WAYNE              She did when I told her mates she was a lousy kisser.

STE                      No wonder you dumped her. Where did she work?

WAYNE              Like I’m interested? If you must talk, talk about yourself or you’ll end up talking about them.

STE                      The birds you’ve had, I bet you get stopped all the time.

WAYNE              Listen up, Ste…Rule 1; you don’t stop. Rule 2; you do the ‘talk and walk.’ You talk while you walk. Get it?          

STE                      I’m going to talk about myself for a change…I’ll show my bird who’s intellectual…I can network with one hand, you know.

WAYNE              Stick with me, Ste. You’re going places.  

Door opens. Assistant beckons Wayne.

STE                      Good luck, Wayne.

WAYNE              I’m cool, Ste.     

Ste skims through a magazine. Clive enters.

STE                      You took your time.

CLIVE                  I’d a full bowser. Where’s Wayne?

STE                      You look up to me, don’t you Clive?

CLIVE                  You two been talking behind my back?

STE                      Anything to report?

CLIVE                  Like what?

STE                      Like did you clock the replacement therapist, dummy?

Clive leans forward

CLIVE                  I just bumped into Sandra.

STE                      Sandra? Is she waiting for Wayne?

CLIVE                  She was talking to some bloke in the office.

STE                      Anything else?

CLIVE                  I was too busy seeing double.

STE                      No more to report then?  

CLIVE                  I’d gone to point Charlie at the china. I can report on that if you like.

STE                      Are you taking the …

CLIVE                  …and that hand drier’s a joke. What’s wrong with paper towels?

STE                      Forget it, Clive.    

CLIVE                  Oh, there was something else.

STE                      If it’s rest-room related, save your breath.

CLIVE                  Well it is, in a fashion.  

STE                      You are so boring, Clive. No wonder you don’t have a bird…

CLIVE                  …so, I’m coming out the Gents, right, and you’ll never guess who’s going in the Ladies.  

STE                      I couldn’t give a Parson’s penance.

CLIVE                  It was Tess.

STE                      No! The one with the nice bum?

CLIVE                  A vision of loveliness.

STE                      What’s she doing here?

CLIVE                  This bloke she knows comes highly recommended.

STE                      How did she know you were here?

CLIVE                  Stroke of luck.     

Ste breathes deep and blows out his cheeks

STE                      So, this highly recommended bloke, is he gay or something?

CLIVE                  Tess says he’s a damn good dentist. I might give him a call.

STE                      What changed your mind?

CLIVE                  Tess can’t wait to see the results.

STE                      You lie…What else did she say?

CLIVE                  Wayne never takes no for an answer. He tells porkies and he’s a lousy kisser.

STE                      Huh…Who does she think she is? I wonder if she’s met Sandra?   

CLIVE                  Anything’s possible…Oh, Tess did say something else…

STE                      I knew it.    

CLIVE                  She said, ‘she’s come to do a special.’

STE                      A special what? You’re kidding…Does Wayne know?

                             A scream comes from the treatment room.

CLIVE                  He does now.